


Lions and Tigers and Dildos, Oh My!

by PassionObsessed



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Awkward Flirting, Bisexual Panic, Dildos, M/M, Meet-Cute, Porn Shop, Sex Toy Flirting, Sex Toys, always soft, no actual porn tho, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 17:35:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29612988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PassionObsessed/pseuds/PassionObsessed
Summary: All Human AU, set in Beantown, USA. After a drunken night, Clary drags Simon to a sex shop in an effort to get him more comfortable with his bisexual disaster-self. He meets Jace, who gives him the rundown.Features all of the gorgeous Lightwoods (although there's a tragic lack of Magnus), lots of leather, sex toys, and awkward flirting.A 4k Jimon meet-cute with an open ending for more. Hope you like it!
Relationships: Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Simon Lewis/Jace Wayland
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43





	Lions and Tigers and Dildos, Oh My!

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the Malec server, as usual, and a great sex positive conversation way too early in the morning. 
> 
> For Melia. 
> 
> Thanks to Amelia for quick and stellar beta as per usual.

The hangover headache was throbbing in Simon’s temples, making even the soft jingle of the doorbell to the shop seem overly aggressive. The inside of the store was blessedly cool and dark after the bright sun of Boston in late September and Simon stopped dead one foot inside, blinded behind his sunglasses and trying to let his eyes adjust.

He stumbled forward as he felt a hard shove at his back. “Move it, Simon, you’re blocking the door.” Clary’s voice sounded just as bedraggled as he felt, although when he turned to glare at her, he noted again, with immense irritation, that it was the only part of her that reflected their current state of misery. On her, the oversized sunglasses looked chic and the messy bun with its escaping red tendrils seemed deliberate. Her soft sleep shirt was molded to her body and clung in all the right ways and her BU branded booty shorts left miles of leg exposed. It was completely unfair. 

Simon sighed down at his own wrinkled band t-shirt, the “Letters to Cleo,” logo almost too faded to make out, and dark, torn jeans. Not strategically ripped, mind you, ripped because last night in their drunken escapades he had tripped over… something and now there was a ragged hole over one knee. He was still in disbelief that Clary had managed to drag both of them down here after last night's debacle; he suspected witchcraft of some sort. He was supposed to be sleeping, not standing there blinking in a rather enormous sex shop. 

Even Clary seemed to be a bit overwhelmed (or simply too hungover) to move much and they lingered just inside the door. Simon started to look around with a bit more interest, now that he could finally see again. The store was huge and immaculate, all of the corners lit up and clean, with long shelves evenly spaced down the walls and large display cases set up every six feet or so in the center of the store. There was some sort of indie music playing in the background and a pleasant hum of noise from the surprising amount of people milling around. Or maybe it wasn’t so surprising, Condomworld apparently had a great reputation (according to Clary’s drunk sorority sisters). From what Simon could tell at first glance, it seemed deserved. 

Just as he and Clary were starting to shift around, not knowing where to start, a gorgeous brunette popped up next to them. She was wearing some sort of black leather halter top with a completely open back and matching leather pants. Her thigh high boots had heels that were blood red; the large stone in the necklace that dipped low into her cleavage was the same fiery color. 

Staring directly at Clary and completely ignoring Simon, she said, “Hi, I’m Isabelle. Welcome to Condomworld. What can I help you find today?” Her voice was low and sensual and Simon watched as her eyes flicked up and down Clary’s body before smiling widely at her. Her teeth were very white. Only belatedly did Simon notice a small pin, in the shape of a condom wrapper, fastened to the corner of her top that read, “Izzy.” 

Simon saw the blush bloom over Clary’s cheeks and resigned himself to stumbling around alone. Maybe he could sneak out once Clary was completely distracted. He watched as the brunette led Clary away, who didn’t even bother to turn around and make sure Simon was okay. Clearly it wouldn’t take very long. Some best friend she was. 

Mumbling to himself, Simon walked deeper into the store, deciding to just start along the walls, make his way all the way around once and then leave. “‘We’ll go together, Simon, it’ll be fun,’ she says, ‘we’ll find you all sorts of toys so you’ll stop moaning in my ear about how you’re a bad bisexual,’ she says, ‘I’ll help you pick things out,’ she says. Jesus, Clary, way to abandon me for the first hot girl you see.”

There was a loud snort from beside him and Simon startled, badly. His head pounded and he winced. “Warn a guy, would you? Some of us are dying here.” He stopped gazing blankly at the wall of -- _was that an Eiffel Tower dildo?_ \-- and turned around to the person who had come up beside him. And stared. 

Simon could feel his eyes widen behind his sunglasses, _oh God, he looked like a giant douche wearing them inside_ , and he fumbled at his face, tucking them into his shirt, trying not to gape at the insanely beautiful man in front of him. 

A fitted dark grey shirt lay flat underneath a black leather jacket that cupped and defined broad shoulders, adorned with seams and zippers that drew the eye to a solidly muscled torso. Supple, skintight black leather pants with buckles that formed a small ladder down from strong thighs to mid calf and heavy work boots completed the outfit, and, as Simon watched, those feet shifted slightly. He wrenched his eyes upwards, his cheeks heating as he realized he’d been caught blatantly checking the guy out. 

And promptly gave a small inner wail of despair because _his face_. There was slicked back blond hair, just starting to lose its shape and flop forward, heavy brows, stubble that sparked slightly under the fluorescent lights, a jawline that could cut glass, and blue-brown mismatched eyes that Simon wanted to drown in. There was a curling black tattoo on his neck. Simon’s mouth flooded with saliva and he swallowed heavily; he was way too hungover for this much hotness.

“Hi,” Simon croaked, and then snapped his mouth shut. _Great start, Simon, very smooth_. This was not going to go well. Whatever this was. He watched a muscle in the man’s jaw twitch. 

“Can I help you find something? You seem… lost.” His voice was smooth and surprisingly light, although a touch impatient. Simon’s eyes drifted back down the guy’s chest -- _that chest_ \-- and yep, sure enough, there was a small condom-shaped pin that read, “Jace.” 

“Umm, no? I mean, I’m not sure? I don’t really even know why I’m here, my best friend dragged me in on a promise I made last night while incredibly drunk and I honestly can’t believe that she remembered, she usually doesn’t when she’s pounding vodka shots like she was but here we are and actually she abandoned me for the first hot girl she saw, _like she always does,_ and no, I think I’m fine? I’ll just look around?” Simon watched the blond brows lift up and up until they were practically in the man’s hair and he snapped his mouth shut again in desperation. 

“Okay. I’ll let you look. Let me know if you need anything. My name’s Jace.” That lovely voice sounded much more disinterested now and Simon saw his eyes start to wander over to other customers.

Simon’s shoulders slumped a bit, and he nodded, grimacing at the spike of pain in his head. At least he could blame his poor performance with this epitome of manliness on his hangover. That’s what he was going with, anyway. He turned back to the wall of dildos. There were quite a lot of them. He stood there for another minute, wondering what the hell he was doing.

He heard a creak of leather and a small sigh, “Look, man, just go the case next to the register at the back of the store, buy some flavored condoms for your girlfriend, and go, like, lie down or something. You’re giving _me_ a headache. You can still tell all your buddies that you came here.”

Simon straightened his spine through sheer force of will. “No, thank you, I’d rather keep looking at the dildos. You have a really great selection. Lots of shapes and sizes and, err, colors.” What was he _doing?_ Oh God, where was Clary when he needed her. 

The eye roll from Jace was so exaggerated Simon felt like he could hear it. “Yes, I’m sure you’re very interested in the ones that are designed for prostate stimulation. It’s fine, dude, you’re not the first to get dragged in here on a bet. There are some gag gifts near the back too, they have the name of the store on it. You don’t have to keep standing here, looking scared out of your mind.”

Simon glared. “Wow, way to be incredibly rude. You’re a really bad employee, you know that? I thought you were supposed to get me to buy these overpriced fake cocks-- _is that one two hundred bucks_ \-- not shove me off and call me a frat bro or whatever. And for your information, I am actually _am here_ to buy a variety of sex toys because I have been reliably informed that if I don’t stop whining about how I don’t know what to do with a guy after being out for _six whole goddamn months_ , I’ll get slapped into next week.” Simon’s face might actually be on fire and the only reason he wasn’t yelling was because it hurt to raise his voice but he lifted his chin and stared down this hot asshole. He might be ridiculous (and hungover as fuck) but he wasn’t a coward. 

There was a long pause. 

“Is that really true? You actually want help? With guys?” The voice was quieter now. That irritatingly handsome face even looked slightly apologetic.

Simon lifted his chin even further and kept his voice firm, even as he withered a little inside. “Yes. I do.”

“Okay. Follow me.” With a roll of his shoulders-- _those shoulders_ \-- Hot Asshole turned and started to walk further into the store. His voice turned brusque and professional. “Now, what do you know about lubrication?”

“That girls make their own but guys don’t,” Simon quipped, a little thrown by the abrupt about face. 

Hot Asshole actually let out a surprised chuckle and threw an amused glance over at Simon, who was helplessly following him deeper into the maze of shelves and display cases. His mismatched eyes sparkled and Simon was officially doomed. He accepted his fate and smiled back. 

They stopped near a long shelf full of neatly arranged bottles, ranging from small four ounce pocket sizes to gigantic, industrial sized pumps. There was also a box overflowing with individually-wrapped single-use packets. Simon eyed it with admiration, that required a level of confidence that he definitely didn’t have yet. Hot Asshole cleared his throat and began talking. 

What followed was an incredibly informative, slightly horrifying, dispassionate discussion about the various pros and cons of different types of lube and exactly how to use them and when. Simon felt his face alternately flame and cool as he listened closely, trying not to think too deeply about actually _using the lubes_ they were talking about and asking detailed questions because he actually did want to get it on with a guy sometime in the future and he wanted to make sure he did it right. Let no one say that Simon Lewis did not do his homework.

Hot Asshole’s demeanor warmed noticeably as they talked and it became clear that Simon was indeed serious about learning and that he was determined to show anyone involved in his bed a good time. That is, if Simon could ever convince a guy to actually to have sex with him in the first place, but he lived in hope. 

Simon’s perceptiveness wasn’t quite up to snuff due to his (finally fading, thank fuck) hangover, but he thought that there might actually be some practical knowledge slipping in from Hot Asshole’s lecture. His suspicions were confirmed when Simon saw his impromptu teacher hesitate and then reach out for a black bottle that was plainer than many of the rest and fairly discreet looking, the word “Skyn” in gold surrounded by a purple circle. 

Hot Asshole handed it over, carefully avoiding Simon’s fingers as he did so, and said quietly, “This one is my favorite, it feels great and isn’t horribly expensive either.” His eyes met Simon’s for one brief moment before staring fixedly back at the giant wall of lube. 

Keeping his voice deliberately casual, but gripping the bottle tightly, Simon said, “Thanks for the recommendation. Okay. Lube is covered. What’s next in my journey towards male pleasure?” _Goddammit_. He had been doing so well. 

Incredibly, his awkwardness actually made Hot Asshole laugh again, the sound sending a shiver down Simon’s back. “Well, there’s the dildos you were looking at before, some of which vibrate, butt plugs, anal beads, a variety of more kinky things. Although those might have to wait until your next visit.” There it was again, a fleeting look at Simon’s face and then away. 

Simon’s brain was desperately trying to process. _This was flirting, right? Was this flirting? Was this hot guy talking about dildos and giving me his favorite brand of lube actually flirting?_

He realized that he’d been silent for too long when Simon saw Jace’s face start to close down, his stance starting to go back to the calculated bored slouch from earlier, and Simon blurted out, “Dildos! Let’s go back to the dildos!”

His voice came out way too loudly and Simon blushed, again, when he saw the startled stares from some of the people closest to them. He ignored them and stared fixedly at Jace, who shifted and then, without looking at Simon, turned and started walking back up to the front door. 

Simon was dying inside, he wasn’t surprised that he’d blown it but _fuck, he was still new at this and didn’t he deserve a second --_ wait, Jace was picking up a basket from the rack besides the door and coming back to where he was rooted to the floor. Jace shoved the plastic basket at him, plucked the lube from his hand, dropping it inside as he said, “Come on, there’s a lot you should know about how to pick the right dildo. Then we’ll talk about butt plugs.”

Hope and relief battled for first place in Simon’s chest and he couldn’t help the wild grin that took over his face. “I put myself entirely into your capable hands. Lay on, Macduff.” He waved the free hand that wasn’t clutching the basket grandly in the air, watching Jace track the motion, a small smile on his handsome face. 

They walked together back up to the didlos and then Simon spent the next forty five minutes wandering around the shop with Jace, hanging onto the other man’s every word as they talked about different sizes, shapes, levels of vibration, and a whole host of other sexy things. Jace patiently listened to SImon’s endless questions and always responded with frank and thorough answers. Simon was actually beginning to feel slightly excited and less overwhelmed at the prospect of being in bed with a guy in reality and not just in his fantasies.

His basket slowly filled up and Simon was already prepping himself to blow his entire monthly spending allowance, at the least, but couldn’t find it in himself to care in the slightest. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket several times but he ignored it, not wanting to break the spell that he and Jace had built together. 

The other man had gotten increasingly relaxed and by the end he was much bolder in handing items over to Simon, repeatedly brushing his fingertips over Simon’s palm as he dropped yet another tool into his hand, sending amazing shivers of sensation through him. Simon tried to return the attention as best he could, letting his eyes linger on those pretty eyes and then wandering up and down Jace’s magnificent body, making sure that Jace watched him do it. He felt increasingly warm and shivery.

And then, suddenly, Simon’s basket was stuffed and they had completed an entire circuit of the store. Jace’s voice stopped abruptly and a weird silence fell. Simon’s confidence fled and then he was back to his awkward turtle self, holding onto the plastic handles with a death grip, and shifting his feet, not knowing what to say. 

Simon watched Jace swallow and then he was saying, “All right, I think you might have enough to get started. Probably more than enough, I got a little carried away. Good luck…?” Jace’s eyebrows rose in question and Simon realized that he’d spent over an hour talking about the ins and outs of anal sex and other types of stimulation and trying to flirt heavily with someone who didn’t even know his name. 

“Lewis! Err, Simon. Simon Lewis. Wow, I didn’t mean to introduce myself like James Bond, sorry.” He let out a nervous chuckle and could’ve smacked himself. _So smooth, Simon, fantastic job, way to kill the mood._

“Simon.” Was it his imagination or did Jace linger on the syllables of his name? He shook himself as the other man continued, “I’m Jace. Well, you knew that already. Okay, I think you’re all set. If you go to the register in the back, Alec will take care of checking you out. Ringing you up! He’ll ring you up.” Simon watched in awe as light pink dusted across Jace’s cheekbones. 

Simon opened and closed his mouth a few times but no sound emerged. He tried valiantly to come up with something witty or clever or simply _any words at all_ to keep Jace in front of him and recapture the magic of the last hour and failed utterly. He panicked, feeling miserable failure creeping up his throat, choking off his voice.

And then Jace was straightening, his voice back to a standard, customer service tone, so far removed from the warm cadence he’d been using, rotely rapping out, “Thanks for coming to Condomworld, Simon, it was a pleasure working with you. Come back again if you have any further questions.” Without another word, he turned on his heel, and Simon watched in shock and despair as he hurried across the room and disappeared through a door marked, “Employees Only.” 

He stood there dumbly for another minute, feeling unbalanced and bereft. Simon looked down at the numerous brightly colored packages, their labels screaming about pleasure they’d bring, with the bottle of Skyn lube tucked in the corner and the lovely glass dildo that Jace had shyly said he should start with on top, and sighed, deeply. _All right, then._

Walking slowly towards the register he could see in the back, and trying to distract himself from thinking about how much of a disaster he was, he finally spared a thought to wonder what the hell had happened to Clary. Simon joined the back of the short line, behind an obnoxiously giggling couple that couldn't keep their hands off each other, and reached into his pocket and fished out his phone. 

He had three new text messages, one from his mom asking if he was coming over for Shabbat dinner the next Friday, and two from Clary. He ignored the message from his mom for the moment, with a small twinge of guilt, and opened the ones from his absent best friend. The first one just said, “GET IT SIMON. HE’S SUPER HOT,” and the second one, a half hour later, read, “bye, find ur own way back to campus. Scored Izzy’s #. Hope u got ur boi too. Luv u,” followed by a series of ridiculous emojis, including at least five eggplants. 

Simon smiled sadly, and, moving the increasingly heavy basket over to his other arm, typed out a quick, “luv u 2 home soon flamed out like usual.” He sighed as he shoved the phone back into his jeans, and he finally moved up to the register. Heaving his haul of sex toys up onto the counter, he looked up at the man behind the slick iPad scanner machine thing. 

At this point, Simon knew that he really shouldn’t be surprised at the perfect specimen in front of him but somehow he still was. This one was taller than Jace, with dark, tousled hair, pale skin, deep, wide brown eyes and straight brows, one of which had a silver ring pierced through it. Then there was the apparently standard leather ensemble, which this man wore just as well as the other insanely hot employees at this crazy store. He bore enough resemblance to Clary’s hot girl from earlier that Simon wondered if they might be siblings. 

Simon watched as long, fine boned hands efficiently pulled out and scanned each item from his basket, admiring the deep blue polish on his nails. There was also a heavy platinum wedding ring, he saw with interest. Someone had gotten lucky there. He avoided looking at the total racking up but eventually glanced over and felt his eyes bulge. “ _Shit_ ,” he muttered. 

The man, “Alec,” according to the condom pin on his chest, glanced up at him. “Problem?” His voice was low and free of inflection. His hands paused slightly, waiting for Simon’s response.

Simon drew a deep breath, his mind skipping rapidly from last night’s drunken moaning in Clary’s ear about not knowing what to do with men to Jace’s patient voice explaining how to properly prep your partner for sex to the pitiful state of his bank account, and said, “Nope. Ring it all up, please.” 

He pulled his wallet from his back pocket and drew out the emergency credit card and handed it over with no hesitation. This was a sexual identity emergency. A sex toy emergency. A getting-to-know-your-body emergency. Simon was going with it, failed flirting with the hottest man he’d ever seen in his life notwithstanding. He met the cashier’s eyes and smiled, a little triumphantly. 

Alec smiled back, face transforming into something even more gorgeous, and whipped through scanning the last few items. Very astutely, he didn’t announce the final number before running Simon’s credit card and handing it back to him. 

Then he was carefully loading everything into two sturdy, plain brown paper bags, throwing quick glances at Simon all the while. Simon had no idea why so he just stayed silent and watched his large variety of sex toys disappear from view as they were placed inside. Simon’s headache, which had faded into the background while he was with Jace, was starting to reemerge.

Finally, everything was packed up and Simon murmured a polite, “Thanks,” while reaching for them. At this point, Simon just wanted to go home, drink a gallon of water, and take a goddamn nap. He’d definitely reached his limit for excitement for the day. Then there was a large hand on the second bag, stopping him from taking it off the counter.

Simon looked up in surprise, to see Alec standing there with a deeply furrowed brow, the silver piercing twinkling as his face moved through a series of quick expressions. Simon raised his own eyebrows back, waiting. “Yes? Is there something wrong? Am I missing yet another piece of sex related nonsense?”

There was a short bark of laughter and then the man was smiling and reaching for a small notepad that was next to the register. He picked up the pen right next to it, which was _of course_ in the shape of a dildo, and wrote something down as he talked. “Look, my brother isn’t supposed to stay with one customer as long as he did with you, even if you did end up buying half the store. He’s never done that before, either. But he’s also sometimes an ass. So this is his number. You should text him.” He ripped off the piece of paper and handed it to Simon, who was frozen solid.

“Umm, Jace is your brother? And really? He’s never spent that time that much time with anyone before? Really? I should text him?” Simon was aware that he was babbling like a crazy person but he thought it was understandable, seeing as how he’d already completely accepted that he’d blown it and yet here was Jace’s brother giving him, _Simon_ , disaster bi extraordinaire, Jace’s number.

He stared down at it, _Jace Lightwood_ , written in a strong hand, followed by ten digits, with a Boston area code. Simon felt a weird surge of confidence and he grabbed the dildo pen. He ripped the piece of paper in half, wrote _Simon Lewis_ on the empty bottom part, in much shakier penmanship but whatever, and his own phone number. 

Then Simon presented it with a small flourish to Alec, who was standing very straight, eyes wide, and he said, “If your brother is really interested, tell _him_ to text _me_. Oh, and tell him thanks for all the advice, I can’t wait to try it out. You have a great store here, I’ll be sure to tell my friends.” And then he quickly picked up his bags full of sex paraphernalia, spun around, and sailed out the door. 

Simon’s heart was beating like a bird but he was grinning and felt lighter and freer than he had in a long time. He wasn’t sure if Jace was actually going to text him, he probably wouldn’t, honestly, but Simon was surprisingly okay with that. He would take his giant bags of toys home, fool around and get more comfortable with everything and then the world would get the full Simon Lewis experience.

He hopped on the T, the silly name for Boston’s rickety-ass subway system, leaned back gingerly against the dirty window, closed his eyes, and let himself start to drift off. Right before he got to his stop, his dorm rising up like a giant three pronged fork in the distance, his phone buzzed. Simon’s fingers trembled as he swiped to unlock it. 

And there, on his screen, was a message from an unknown number. He clicked it open. _Hey. This is Jace. Drinks sometime?_


End file.
